I walked down with a
Scottish guy who I’d met in my dorm room, he was in his mid
twenties, fresh off of the plane like myself, if I recall correctly
his name was ‘Glen’. He was like a deer caught in the
headlights, petrified of everything going on around him!
By the time we got to
Khaosan Rd the sweat was pouring off of him then running down to his
clenched fists, he was a nervous wreck! When it came to me suggesting
starting off the evening with some fried insects, I thought the guy
was going to collapse. After crunching my way through a handful of
larvae and a crispy cockroach Glen had reached his limit, he said he
was tired and was going back to the hostel, unphased I continued down
Khaosan, stopping for buckets of whiskey and red bull with random
strangers, fighting my jet lag the worst way possible. At about 11
o’clock I settled at the end of Khaosan in a bar called
‘Gulliver’s’ which ended up becoming something of a tradition,
purely because of the Farang (foreigner) holiday makers sexual
exploits taking place around the dingy sticky floored bar.
Sitting there my first
night I got talking to a middle aged guy called Brett, a business man
who bought clothing in bulk in Thailand and sold back in the UK for
around a 100% profit!
Chatting away, all of a
sudden an absurdly drunk Irishman on a path of destruction walked
over and slurred an introduction, he goes on to point out a Thai girl
on the dance floor to myself and Brett then meandered back off to the
dance floor and started licking every inch of her face. At this point
I double glanced at the Irishman and noticed the young Thai girl he
was with had an exceedingly strong jaw line, then I noticed the Adams
apple on her throat which petruded further than her chin and finally
(don’t ask me why) the 5 o’clock shadow.
I knew all about lady boys
(‘Katoi’ in Thai) but I didn’t at this juncture realise how
blind some people are to their sometimes blatant masculinity! The
Irishman then reappeared and started to explain;
“I’m gunna take that
home and smash the fockin’ shoite outa her”
I casually watched him
wander back over to the Katoi and slowly grind down her body, running
his mouth over her skin, thinking maybe he was in some kind of overly
erotic soft porno, I turned to Brett and said;
“We can’t let the poor
guy fuckin’ do this can we?”
“We shouldn’t….but
for a few more seconds for our pure enjoyment, we can!”
After admittedly another
couple of minutes of hysterical laughter I tapped the Irish gent on
the shoulder and whispered to him;
“Take a second look
mate”
“I know!….She’s
fockin’ beautiful ‘int she”
“No mate! Jaw line, JAW
LINE!”
Maybe it took him a while
to decipher what I’d said, on the other hand maybe the realisation
of what he’d been doing was painfully sinking in, but it took him a
good five seconds of silence before he screamed “JESUS FOCKIN’
CHRIST!”, pushing the Katoi away he looked to me.
At this point I was
thinking that this guy is gunna go for me, just out of pure
frustration and humiliation, but instead of a fist he embraced me in
a gigantic sweaty Irish bear hug shouting into my ear;
“T’ank you soo fockin’
much mate! I was about to take her home n fock her! Seriously I don’t
know how to repay yer!”
The sweaty giant bought me
a beer and went onto explain he’s a devout Catholic….a shining
example, I’m sure you’ll agree.
The following day I awoke sweating whisky and decided to go to the markets in
China Town, this I where I encountered a young Thai guy by the name
of ‘Jai’ and began my first serious Bangkok Bender!
My main aim in the market
was to buy a camera, having lost my brand new one ON THE FUCKING
PLANE from London to Bangkok! Don’t ask me how I managed that.
I wandered around for a
good forty five minutes and saw nothing but fabrics, clothing and
shoes, so I figured I was in the wrong market to buy a camera. The
next decision I made was both one of the best and worst decisions of
my travels but still I have no regrets. After asking a few locals
where to buy a camera and failing miserably I walked past a young
Thai guy wearing a leather jacket with a scar on one cheek, after
hesitating I turned and asked;
“Where can I buy
camera?” at the same time miming a camera with my hands, of course
thinking at this point Thai people couldn’t understand too much
English, but he spoke pretty much perfect English.
He introduced himself as
‘Jai’ which wasn’t spelt the same as my brother’s name but
pronounced the same…so how could I not trust this guy!?
Jai was in his mid
twenties, though he looked like he’d lived more than forty years,
he wore always his leather jacket with tattered jeans and drove a
different motorbike each day I encountered him. The scar on his face
made him look intimidating at a glance but his mannerisms and front
on a social level were overly polite and welcoming, all in all he was
the perfect con man.
Jai informed me that his
friend had cheap cameras “Tuk Tuk Mak Mak” (Very very cheap), I
knew what was going on, I’d heard of all the scams, but then he
said;
“it’s ok, I’ll take
you, you can come on motorbike”
The ‘Lonely Planet’
voice in my head was screaming “NO NO, SCAM SCAM”, but I had
nothing better to do that day and on top of that i hate the Lonely Planet guides with passion, so I jumped on and began which ended up being a
20 hour death-bike tour around Bangkok.
First of all the problem
at hand was resolved, we rode through back streets around Bangkok
until we arrived at a pirate looking fellows street stall which had
various obviously stolen goods ready to be purchased, so I bought
myself a digital camera for all of 200 Baht (about 4 quid), of course
Jai would be getting some of this for playing his part in the trade, this is the kind of business a large amount Bangkok con men thrive on,
We continued to ride
around, stopping in bars for whiskey shots whilst Jai caught up with
what I deemed were friends of his or ‘business partners’, but at
this point I hadn’t paid a penny for any drinks whatsoever, and i was already fairly battered drunk.
After the sun goes down in Bangkok the place truly comes alive, even more so than the day. If you see the phrase ‘Sin City’ either as a positive or a negative, that’s what Bangkok is by night and you can’t help but love it!
After the sun goes down in Bangkok the place truly comes alive, even more so than the day. If you see the phrase ‘Sin City’ either as a positive or a negative, that’s what Bangkok is by night and you can’t help but love it!
Sitting on the back of the
motorbike zooming through the streets of Bangkok, pissed as a fart,
no motorbike helmet, I just couldn’t help but smile, even if I
could’ve died at any moment. In South East Asia you tend to forget
the risks and just go with the moment.
“You want see real
Bangkok?” Jai shouted over the sound of beeping horns and the wind
rushing by,
“You want see Ping Pong
show?”
“Yeah of course, but I’m
not paying too much money”.
Ping Pong shows in Bangkok
are one gigantic scam, they reel in the tourists with abnormal sexual
stage acts and a ’small entrance fee’, but once you’re in, you
ain’t leaving before you’ve paid out your arse!
I’ve heard ridiculous
stories from friends who have ended up paying around a hundred pound
bar tab for about 6 drinks, where the average price for a beer in
Thailand is about one or two pounds.
But Jai assured me this
one was legitimate saying “No farang, no farang, only Thai person”,
in my drunken state that was all the reassurance I needed.
We pulled up in a dark
alley way after driving through the armpit of Bangkok where there was
a wooden door, a small man stood by the door welcoming punters, Jai
spoke to him and explained to me, “300 Baht, get in and free
drink”, fuck it I thought, so I gave the midget my money and
watched him give one hundred of it to Jai…Bangkok business at it’s
very best.
“You coming too Jai?”
“No no, I see too many
time”
As I walked in all eyes
locked on me, I felt like a fucking leper, there must’ve been only
fifteen or so people in the audience which consisted of older Thai
business men, I suppose they weren’t used to a drunk nineteen year
old English lad walking into their perverted watering hole.
The show had already
started so I stumbled to a seat and sat down a couple of rows back
from the stage, a waitress came over offered me a whiskey saying “100
Baht”……free drink my fucking arse, but I expected it, so I paid
to avoid trouble.
The Ping Pong show ensued,
your standard evening of women pulling a variety of objects from
their vaginas; Ping Pong balls being bounced accurately into cups,
razor blades tied to metres of ribbon, then a good ten metres of
ribbon with bells attached, which is then wrapped around surrounding
dance poles, still one end inside their vagina which ultimately
creates some kind of ’pussy spider web dance’ complete with
jingling! The list goes on, from blowing out candles to exploding
balloons with darts fired from sheer vaginal power! Impressive stuff!
An hour of this madness
and the final act came on, a woman walked on stage and laid in a sex
swing, then the midget who greeted me at the door clambered onto the
stage whilst frantically beating his cock to the point of erection,
slowly cheesy porno music played through the speakers while I watched
the couple on stage fuck completely expressionless for what felt like
a life time! It got to a point where it got awkward so I slipped out
the exit not to be rude….as stupid as that sounds.
I walked outside to see
Jai standing by his motorbike smoking a cigarette beaming a smile and
saying “you like yes? Very good, I know you like!”
I agreed, but to this day
I’m still not entirely sure if it was an enjoyable experience and
haven’t been to another Ping Pong show since, but never say never!
It was pretty late so I
asked Jai to drop me back to my hostel, he obliged but he had one
more stop to make.
“First we go karaoke,
good place, many sexy girl, you like”. Jai assumed ‘I like’
everything, I eventually discovered this as that’s how he pretty
much finished all his sentences.
After another death-bike
ride through Bangkok, we pulled into another seedy joint in ANOTHER
dark alley teeming with rats.
We walked in, at first
glance I thought the bar was pretty busy, until my vision cleared up
and I realised there was only the barman and a couple of bar girls.
Jai lead me through the back door behind the bar, then through a
labyrinth of walkways and alleys until we came to a small room, it
must’ve been 2 x 3 metres, inside stood a solitary old school horse
racing machine (arcade style) with 20 Thai men standing round it
screaming at the top of their lungs at the pixelated screen, It was
like Ascot races on acid!
Whiskey bottles lay on the
floor, dogs ran round my feet while a single Thai man stood in the
corner changing notes into 1 Baht coins. I felt like I was on an
alien planet, never had I seen such excitement over something so
simple.
Jai battled his way to the
head of the machine and began throwing coin after coin into the slot
and places bets on the virtual horses. Amidst the chaos of whiskey,
stray dogs and endless sweaty Thai men with obvious gambling
problems, I slowly came to terms with the fact that firstly I had no
fucking idea where I was, secondly I was pissed out my mind and
finally if anything were to happen to me right now, no one would ever
be able to find me.
