Bangkok Bender, the first of many - Sept '09

                                

I walked down with a Scottish guy who I’d met in my dorm room, he was in his mid twenties, fresh off of the plane like myself, if I recall correctly his name was ‘Glen’. He was like a deer caught in the headlights, petrified of everything going on around him!

By the time we got to Khaosan Rd the sweat was pouring off of him then running down to his clenched fists, he was a nervous wreck! When it came to me suggesting starting off the evening with some fried insects, I thought the guy was going to collapse. After crunching my way through a handful of larvae and a crispy cockroach Glen had reached his limit, he said he was tired and was going back to the hostel, unphased I continued down Khaosan, stopping for buckets of whiskey and red bull with random strangers, fighting my jet lag the worst way possible. At about 11 o’clock I settled at the end of Khaosan in a bar called ‘Gulliver’s’ which ended up becoming something of a tradition, purely because of the Farang (foreigner) holiday makers sexual exploits taking place around the dingy sticky floored bar.

Sitting there my first night I got talking to a middle aged guy called Brett, a business man who bought clothing in bulk in Thailand and sold back in the UK for around a 100% profit!

Chatting away, all of a sudden an absurdly drunk Irishman on a path of destruction walked over and slurred an introduction, he goes on to point out a Thai girl on the dance floor to myself and Brett then meandered back off to the dance floor and started licking every inch of her face. At this point I double glanced at the Irishman and noticed the young Thai girl he was with had an exceedingly strong jaw line, then I noticed the Adams apple on her throat which petruded further than her chin and finally (don’t ask me why) the 5 o’clock shadow.

I knew all about lady boys (‘Katoi’ in Thai) but I didn’t at this juncture realise how blind some people are to their sometimes blatant masculinity! The Irishman then reappeared and started to explain;

“I’m gunna take that home and smash the fockin’ shoite outa her”

I casually watched him wander back over to the Katoi and slowly grind down her body, running his mouth over her skin, thinking maybe he was in some kind of overly erotic soft porno, I turned to Brett and said;

“We can’t let the poor guy fuckin’ do this can we?”

“We shouldn’t….but for a few more seconds for our pure enjoyment, we can!”

After admittedly another couple of minutes of hysterical laughter I tapped the Irish gent on the shoulder and whispered to him;

“Take a second look mate”

“I know!….She’s fockin’ beautiful ‘int she”

“No mate! Jaw line, JAW LINE!”

Maybe it took him a while to decipher what I’d said, on the other hand maybe the realisation of what he’d been doing was painfully sinking in, but it took him a good five seconds of silence before he screamed “JESUS FOCKIN’ CHRIST!”, pushing the Katoi away he looked to me.

At this point I was thinking that this guy is gunna go for me, just out of pure frustration and humiliation, but instead of a fist he embraced me in a gigantic sweaty Irish bear hug shouting into my ear;

“T’ank you soo fockin’ much mate! I was about to take her home n fock her! Seriously I don’t know how to repay yer!”

The sweaty giant bought me a beer and went onto explain he’s a devout Catholic….a shining example, I’m sure you’ll agree.

The following day I awoke sweating whisky and decided to go to the markets in China Town, this I where I encountered a young Thai guy by the name of ‘Jai’ and began my first serious Bangkok Bender!

My main aim in the market was to buy a camera, having lost my brand new one ON THE FUCKING PLANE from London to Bangkok! Don’t ask me how I managed that.

I wandered around for a good forty five minutes and saw nothing but fabrics, clothing and shoes, so I figured I was in the wrong market to buy a camera. The next decision I made was both one of the best and worst decisions of my travels but still I have no regrets. After asking a few locals where to buy a camera and failing miserably I walked past a young Thai guy wearing a leather jacket with a scar on one cheek, after hesitating I turned and asked;

“Where can I buy camera?” at the same time miming a camera with my hands, of course thinking at this point Thai people couldn’t understand too much English, but he spoke pretty much perfect English.

He introduced himself as ‘Jai’ which wasn’t spelt the same as my brother’s name but pronounced the same…so how could I not trust this guy!?

Jai was in his mid twenties, though he looked like he’d lived more than forty years, he wore always his leather jacket with tattered jeans and drove a different motorbike each day I encountered him. The scar on his face made him look intimidating at a glance but his mannerisms and front on a social level were overly polite and welcoming, all in all he was the perfect con man.

Jai informed me that his friend had cheap cameras “Tuk Tuk Mak Mak” (Very very cheap), I knew what was going on, I’d heard of all the scams, but then he said;

“it’s ok, I’ll take you, you can come on motorbike”

The ‘Lonely Planet’ voice in my head was screaming “NO NO, SCAM SCAM”, but I had nothing better to do that day and on top of that i hate the Lonely Planet guides with  passion, so I jumped on and began which ended up being a 20 hour death-bike tour around Bangkok.

First of all the problem at hand was resolved, we rode through back streets around Bangkok until we arrived at a pirate looking fellows street stall which had various obviously stolen goods ready to be purchased, so I bought myself a digital camera for all of 200 Baht (about 4 quid), of course Jai would be getting some of this for playing his part in the trade, this is the kind of business a large amount Bangkok con men thrive on, 

We continued to ride around, stopping in bars for whiskey shots whilst Jai caught up with what I deemed were friends of his or ‘business partners’, but at this point I hadn’t paid a penny for any drinks whatsoever, and i was already fairly battered drunk.
                                       

After the sun goes down in Bangkok the place truly comes alive, even more so than the day. If you see the phrase ‘Sin City’ either as a positive or a negative, that’s what Bangkok is by night and you can’t help but love it!

Sitting on the back of the motorbike zooming through the streets of Bangkok, pissed as a fart, no motorbike helmet, I just couldn’t help but smile, even if I could’ve died at any moment. In South East Asia you tend to forget the risks and just go with the moment.

                              

“You want see real Bangkok?” Jai shouted over the sound of beeping horns and the wind rushing by,

“You want see Ping Pong show?”

“Yeah of course, but I’m not paying too much money”.

Ping Pong shows in Bangkok are one gigantic scam, they reel in the tourists with abnormal sexual stage acts and a ’small entrance fee’, but once you’re in, you ain’t leaving before you’ve paid out your arse!

I’ve heard ridiculous stories from friends who have ended up paying around a hundred pound bar tab for about 6 drinks, where the average price for a beer in Thailand is about one or two pounds.

But Jai assured me this one was legitimate saying “No farang, no farang, only Thai person”, in my drunken state that was all the reassurance I needed.

We pulled up in a dark alley way after driving through the armpit of Bangkok where there was a wooden door, a small man stood by the door welcoming punters, Jai spoke to him and explained to me, “300 Baht, get in and free drink”, fuck it I thought, so I gave the midget my money and watched him give one hundred of it to Jai…Bangkok business at it’s very best.

“You coming too Jai?”

“No no, I see too many time”

As I walked in all eyes locked on me, I felt like a fucking leper, there must’ve been only fifteen or so people in the audience which consisted of older Thai business men, I suppose they weren’t used to a drunk nineteen year old English lad walking into their perverted watering hole.

The show had already started so I stumbled to a seat and sat down a couple of rows back from the stage, a waitress came over offered me a whiskey saying “100 Baht”……free drink my fucking arse, but I expected it, so I paid to avoid trouble.

The Ping Pong show ensued, your standard evening of women pulling a variety of objects from their vaginas; Ping Pong balls being bounced accurately into cups, razor blades tied to metres of ribbon, then a good ten metres of ribbon with bells attached, which is then wrapped around surrounding dance poles, still one end inside their vagina which ultimately creates some kind of ’pussy spider web dance’ complete with jingling! The list goes on, from blowing out candles to exploding balloons with darts fired from sheer vaginal power! Impressive stuff!

An hour of this madness and the final act came on, a woman walked on stage and laid in a sex swing, then the midget who greeted me at the door clambered onto the stage whilst frantically beating his cock to the point of erection, slowly cheesy porno music played through the speakers while I watched the couple on stage fuck completely expressionless for what felt like a life time! It got to a point where it got awkward so I slipped out the exit not to be rude….as stupid as that sounds.

I walked outside to see Jai standing by his motorbike smoking a cigarette beaming a smile and saying “you like yes? Very good, I know you like!”

I agreed, but to this day I’m still not entirely sure if it was an enjoyable experience and haven’t been to another Ping Pong show since, but never say never!

It was pretty late so I asked Jai to drop me back to my hostel, he obliged but he had one more stop to make.

“First we go karaoke, good place, many sexy girl, you like”. Jai assumed ‘I like’ everything, I eventually discovered this as that’s how he pretty much finished all his sentences.

After another death-bike ride through Bangkok, we pulled into another seedy joint in ANOTHER dark alley teeming with rats.

We walked in, at first glance I thought the bar was pretty busy, until my vision cleared up and I realised there was only the barman and a couple of bar girls. Jai lead me through the back door behind the bar, then through a labyrinth of walkways and alleys until we came to a small room, it must’ve been 2 x 3 metres, inside stood a solitary old school horse racing machine (arcade style) with 20 Thai men standing round it screaming at the top of their lungs at the pixelated screen, It was like Ascot races on acid!

Whiskey bottles lay on the floor, dogs ran round my feet while a single Thai man stood in the corner changing notes into 1 Baht coins. I felt like I was on an alien planet, never had I seen such excitement over something so simple.

Jai battled his way to the head of the machine and began throwing coin after coin into the slot and places bets on the virtual horses. Amidst the chaos of whiskey, stray dogs and endless sweaty Thai men with obvious gambling problems, I slowly came to terms with the fact that firstly I had no fucking idea where I was, secondly I was pissed out my mind and finally if anything were to happen to me right now, no one would ever be able to find me.